A steel: industrial bargains up for grabs!

This is a work of satire and if you cannot discern as such please, go forth and multiply.

Sometimes its nice to be a government. You’ve got great friends, smashing perks and a simply wonderful set of policies. Life is good! You’re in power, you’re supported by powerful people, and no one can stand in the way of your terrible policies.

You’re in a foreign country, on holiday, trying to ignore the repeated warnings of some catastrophe or another while you leave your child unattended in a restaurant for six hours.

OH NO! EGAD! CRIKEY! There’s a crisis brewing in your country (apparently, not sure if these Welsh count as US to be frank) and there’s a bunch of funny talking folk on the news declaring they’re fucked.

With an accent like that, of course they are. Probably touch animals too, the savages. Think we’ll pass on th-

“Tata announces closing of its UK business and the decline of Steel in the UK”

Well shit looks like that’s a problem. Not a proper one mind you – they aren’t  anywhere near London nor a bank so it’s low on the “give a shit about” list.

What’s that? 40,000 people out of work?

Damn. Then again there’s a million people starving in food banks so 40,000’s not much on top. The work and pensions boys will “sort out” the lot.

No more steel manufacturing?

Double damn. Then again who needs steel? China just made all of the steel. All of it. Why bother with funny sounding steel from a place that sounds suspiciously similar to “toilet?”

Sounds like a crisis.

And unfortunately it looks like those friends at the press are all over it, claiming its your fault! 

How dare they? Don’t they know this is a market economy, where government’s best course of action is do nothing? Don’t they know the EVILS of state intervention? They harm profits!

Especially the profits of our good friends the Chinese (who seem to laugh unnervingly loud when we mention all the good things we’re doing for them. Must get to the bottom of that whenever we discuss  that whole steel agreement we scuppered in the EU for them.)

You have a meeting. An emergency is called, people gather, discussions are had. Who can buy it? Everyone shrugs. Someone says the word “nationalise” and half the cabinet immediately have a seizure. You manage to grab the table after the shock dizziness hits you. That person is immediately bound gagged and ejected at high velocity out of the room.

Could you encourage Tata to find a buyer? You make some empty promises in the news, telling people “We’ll do everything we can!” while secretly fantasizing about Thatcher in a dominatrix outfit, leather heel stamping on a trade unionist’s face. This forces you to cut it short due to the raging boner you popped at the thought of the Iron Lady, bless her soul.

So you walk around, telling the steel workers one thing and your Chinese friends another, and also signing foreign steel deals because they’re cheaper than actually bothering with your own country’s economy and interests. I mean, it’s all about your friends and investors right? You need that sweet consulting gig after you get booted from power, might as well lay the rules down now.

People will shout “Save our steel!” at you, and you’ll smile. Smile all you can, keep assuring people. Because people like to be told its gonna be OK, but really you’re treating them like a terminal cancer patient.

Others point out you could quite easily invest seeing as you invested in banks, as if they believe their actual product that’s used is worth as much as insurance policies or credit default swaps. Do they not know of the economic power of a banker? Don’t they worship at the alter of their betters? We cannot possibly do what we did for steel as we did for the banks – bankers vote for us! Steel workers don’t!

And then, you get a brainwave. Wales (they told you the name of the funny speaking people’s homeland) is ruled by Labour. Labour is your election nemesis. If they preside over the collapse, you can blame them for the industry going under!

The plan is brilliant! Leave them fuck it up, then swoop in and try to secure ANY deal for WHATEVER price at the last second. Make it look as horrid and hopeless as possible, then sell the asset. Sell all the assets! Make sure there’s nothing left, as Thatcher the great did. Destroy the unions! Those desperate fucks will work for peanuts then. Probably for that amazon warehouse, reckon they’ll be sorted for years them. May have to help them move some tax offshore for them in return.

And make damn sure those south Whatever lot understand who’s in charge – us. The Tories. The true loyalists for the country.

Just don’t mention anything about losing the ability to use steel in warships and the like. It’s a buyer’s market! And surely our friendly benefactors in China will keep the low price there once the competition is gone?

I mean….we’re friends right?


Fuck it. Gideon, hand me another line. Think I’m gonna need a few to get through this “crisis”.




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