Life’s a weird beast. It’s everything we are, were and everything we’re going to be. It’s all the days we wish happened, and all the days that did, for everyone and everything around us. Sometimes, you have everything you ever wanted. The next day, it feels empty, like it’s just a hologram, an empty reflection.
I write this after finally settling for the first time in about six months. It was a totally self inflicted condition to be fair. I made a (careless, reckless) decision based on a growing angst and frustration as to where I was. I threw away a lot of stuff that I felt was baggage on a life gone astray.
I needed an escape.
I still stand by my old thoughts. I know why I did it. And I am glad to have done so. To run off into that great unknown was a challenge to myself. A challenge that made me realise what I wanted. It’s a shame that it took some extremes (probably unnecessary) on my part to see that.
I’m somewhere new again now. Moved again, from one place to another. Bath this time, for another job, another opportunity. One I want to make count. I realise I can have both an adventure as well as stability. One does not have to kill the other.
Life is everything, and life is often swerving one way or the other. In our minds, small grievances can become grave injustices, only to cool off as time goes on. In our minds, the largest problems can seem so far and distant away that we seldom look at it, and refuse to stare it in the eye, either out of cowardice or complacency. In our minds, life’s joys can often be buried under monotony and little details.
If we let life get that way, we lose ourselves. Forget the reasons we do things. Forget why we struggle, why we love, why we run under the golden sun on a summer’s day, why we build igloos in the snow with strangers and why we often stare into the ocean and dream of beautiful moment, real or imaginary.
I forgot all that. I could only see anger, only see my damnable pride getting in the way of a good life, a peaceful life. I could only remember the past, and not look forward to the future.
Guess a lot of times people tend to forget that staring back stops us looking forward. I have a nasty habit of doing that. Looking at history as if I’ll learn from it, rather than just picking up the pieces and getting on with it.
It’s easy to find scapegoats. Easy to blame problems on things out of our hands, or those who can’t really say much to defend themselves. It’s also worryingly easy to do it to yourself, look at who you are and decide what part of your soul doesn’t work, what part of your personality is flawed.
The trick is to step away sometimes. Walk back from that abyss where we over-analyse and question everything about ourselves, about our past actions. Sometimes you’ve got to let go of certain things, realise that hey, shit happens, and you’ve got to move on. Dwelling is easy – moving on is the challenge.
On wards and upwards then. The world’s a little fucked at the moment isn’t it? Suppose I should write on it, preferably while sipping a coffee in some hipster part of town.
Maybe this life ain’t so bad.
And nothing’s stopping me from seeing this again:
2016 then. What a year. For me, a personal one, of change, of realising a lot of different things, and making a radical choice or two. Maybe it didn’t out the way I had envisioned, but hey. That’s life. We got to do what we feel is right in that instant.
That’s the thing with changes. When we make them, we seldom think of the consequences beyond what we picture in our heads. Sometimes it’s a ludicrous fantasy.
But while those changes maybe not what we intended, perhaps life’s better for having made them. And besides, it’s not like you can go back to the way things were. Were life that simple, we’d all be back in school, avoiding all those mistakes and choosing to do all that cool shit all over again.
Unfortunately we don’t get second chances, just another spin of the wheel. And in this life, getting another go is better than most people get. I’m bloody lucky to have landed on my feet; not many others can say the same.
Time to let go of the year then. Time to wave it goodbye, and time to look forward into a future. One we shape, not one we wait for.
And I’ll go back to what I intended for this place of writing in the first place: observations on the world and the way we are, and the way we may be.
Which means I’ll probably write every two weeks or so, if I’m lucky.
Thanks to everyone who has read any of my stuff so far. This is pretty much a dumping ground of sorts for whatever thoughts go into my head, which if you’re into is pretty fucked up, to be honest.