Reminiscing in the Rain

Rain has a certain impact on the soul. For many its a inconvenience, damp weather ruining an otherwise decent day, or stopping the world from spinning on your schedule.

For myself, it’s a reprieve from all things, a sense the world ceases in an instant. Time frozen in teardrops, clouds blocking out the spin and cycle of the stars, the moon and the sun. History, pausing for an instant due to the turbulence of the world it lives in.

Rain gives moments of reflection. Of the past, of the present, of the future. Where we are, where we’ve been, who’ve we’ve met and who we’ve lost.

Rain and that sense of timelessness gives one food for thought. How did we get here? Why? What decisions, right or wrong, led us to this point?

And what can we learn from them in that time span? What can we do to alter the future based on the mistakes and successes of the past? What can be done to shift the present one way or the other?

Rain is like a pause button on an old video tape, image of the world frozen in time, thoughts running rampant as if in a crowd of strangers in a busy city and you’re the only one thinking, dreaming out loud.

Often in these moods we think of the people we knew and the people we know. Think of the people who wronged us, but often think of the people we wronged. People we could have repaired old bridges or people we could have spoken to on better terms.

Rain makes you think you can change things. That when the clouds cease and the sun cracks through you come out a better man, a better person. That you could right old mistakes and set the future on the course you wanted.

Memories come unbidden in that stillness, in that silence and echo of teardrops ricocheting off pavement and rooftop. Thoughts and still images of half remembered faces, old friends and family distant in the mind, long out of focus but sharpened by the gentle patter of rainwater.

Memories you’d give anything to change, to shape, to live in again in slow motion. Mistakes you could rectify, people you wish you knew better before they slipped through your grasp, never to return.

Rain makes one reminisce, remember, replay, rethink, re-imagine. recast the dice again. Relive those old memories and do things properly. Not the way you did them then. Not the way they played out then.

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Rain makes you regret. Makes you wish you reached out to people sooner, makes you think how you could have handled certain moments better. Makes you think you’ll learn from that in the future, that you won’t repeat that mistake. It sharpens the mind like a lens, bringing forth memories long buried by bitterness or embarrassment.

But it cleanses the soul, after a while. All is said and done at the end of the day. One cannot live in the past forever, cannot repeat an old tape and an old song, expecting the track to improve, or the future to change on a repeated play-through.

It makes one look back, eventually, with fondness. Things happened yes, but there’s a future coming. Look out the window, see the world frozen, under one effect of water and wind. Like a gentle kiss of life, the world washes away those old stories and memories, those old regrets and mistakes.

The rain washes the earth, and with it, the soul and the mind. The future breaks through the clouds again, and with it hope.

The sting of the past never disappears. No matter how hard we can try to ignore or pretend it never happened, the history of our lives is written into us daily. Everything we do is tracked by ourselves, never forgotten. We can pretend our mistakes are hidden, our horror stories and humiliations, our greatest sins and crimes, can be covered up and ignored by those around us.

But they’re remembered, inside. They’re always there, in some way, shape or form.

And it’s up to us to try to learn from it all. To become better people. The future is unwritten after all, and it’s only by our actions today does it start to form. It’s up to us if we learn from the past and the mistakes and the memories we have, and make something better of it again.

Sit by the window one day and stare outside while it cleanses the world. Let it soak in, cast the mind into the wilderness. Dream and dance in the history of the world, of your life, and the faces and stories of those around you.

Then when it stops, go back into the world again. Maybe wiser. Maybe not. But let the mind take a moment to reminisce in the rain.

An explanation of where this came from: I got a bit wistful today, when it started to rain outside. I spent a good hour staring out at the garden and thinking, dreaming and looking back on the past. Especially the past year, so turbulent and, admittedly, self inflicted it was. It was a learning experience better than any I could have asked for though. I would not change that in any way.  

Sentimental old bastard that I am, I wanted to write the above. Rain is a very spiritual thing for me, as you can probably tell. Recently I met some good people in a fitness class, and one was leaving for greater pastures. Lovely person that they are, I barely got to know them beyond a coffee break on a Saturday morning. 

Too many times, I have put up a guard between myself and others. I promised myself after I got back home I would try to amend that. To an extent, I have made some improvements. But still it’s a bridge I’m struggling to cross. Seems I’m forever hiding away from people I should be trying to get to know.

In the short time I knew them, they were a kind, friendly and energetic person, who brought a great deal of life into the world. I wish them the best of luck in their travels and their future.

This marks a second time this year a person has left my life. The first was a good, close friend, who will probably read this, and wish I had left on better terms with. I don’t know what I did to wrong you, but I feel I have, in some way. If I took your help for granted, I am deeply sorry,m and I wish I could repay you. If I angered you because of my behaviour, I hope you find some room to forgive me. And if not, I genuinely wish you the best in the world. You’ve been through so much, and fought so hard for it, it’s only fair you get a decent deal out of the future. 

There’s a third person, a year ago, I hurt and betrayed deeply, for my own reasons. I won’t ask for any forgiveness there. It is not deserved. And that is all I will openly write about the matter. 

 

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